She is in my trunk
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
