So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
