awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i will never coherently bang her
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
