New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
