she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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