Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
