your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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