bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
