How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm like, not good at living.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
