the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize