my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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