so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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