I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
