I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
