Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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