So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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