I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
