I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
