I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
