I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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