Only a mothe r could love this liver
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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