I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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