A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
