she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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