and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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