Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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