You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Pants are for mortals
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize