the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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