I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
