I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
