Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
