upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
