I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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