I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
