JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
