ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
