I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
