my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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