Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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