Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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