She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
