I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Randomize