The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I want her autograph on my taint
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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