there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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