Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
