I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
