She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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