I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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