Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
