Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
