i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
