just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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