I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
