I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
