my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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