Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
