She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
