I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
