sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
