Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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