I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
