glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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