Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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