I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just want to make out with him forever
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize